What defensiveness does to a marriage?

Defensiveness puts up walls that separate us rather than drawing us closer together. It causes us to withdraw from each other, causing a loss of connection and intimacy. At first, we may not even realize that a separation has occurred. And over time, those walls can begin to feel almost “normal.”

Can defensiveness ruin a relationship?

Famous relationship and marriage therapists, Dr. John and Julie Gottman, see defensiveness as so destructive it's one of what they call the “four horsemen of the apocalypse”. Alongside criticism, contempt, and stonewalling, it heralds the end of a relationship.

What defensiveness does to a relationship?

When you become defensive in a conversation with your partner, you react to their words without listening to what they're saying. More often than not, you attempt to ward off the perceived attack by turning the tables on them. “It's not my fault that we're always late; it's your fault.”

What is the root cause of defensiveness?

Summary: Research has shown that defensiveness in response to wrongdoing is exacerbated by making the wrong doer feel like they're an outcast. Defensive behaviours are common responses when people feel personally attacked but can undermine our ability to identify problems and find solutions.

What does defensiveness say about a person?

A defensive person has trouble accepting responsibility for their speech and actions. They have difficulty with constructive criticism and may mistakenly take it as a perceived threat. Anyone can be triggered by a personal issue that causes them to have a defensive reaction.

Defensiveness: Psychology Behind Defensive Behavior

How do you deal with a defensive partner?

What is an example of a defensive behavior?

Shifting the blame to someone else when being criticized is a type of defensive behavior. For example, if someone's husband or wife is being defensive every time they have to pay for something that wasn't their fault, they are guilty of shifting the blame onto them.

How do you communicate with a defensive partner?

How do I stop being defensive in my marriage?

Why do I get defensive with my partner?

The Causes of Defensiveness

Defensive behavior can be a complex and murky issue. For many people, their behavioral patterns stem from emotional, mental, or personality issues/tendencies developed over the course of their lifetimes (feelings of abandonment, inferiority, low self-esteem, narcissism, etc.).

Is being defensive toxic?

During these arguments, you're likely to react physically as well as emotionally. Maybe your heart rate increases, you might start sweating, perhaps you'd rather be anywhere but having this fight or talking about your relationship. Nevertheless, the pattern of criticizing, then reacting defensively, is toxic.

Why is my husband always so defensive?

Your husband is most likely getting defensive because: He feels like you're blaming him for his feelings. You want him to fix it and he doesn't know how to. He has some other story spinning in his head about what it means that you feel this way.

What is stonewalling in a marriage?

Stonewalling abuse in a relationship is when one person refuses to communicate or cooperate with their partner becoming like “a stone wall”. You may know it as its more common name, the 'silent treatment'.

Why defensiveness can ruin a marriage?

If you become defensive, even if it's just to protect yourself from getting hurt, you are not allowing your partner to understand how you feel, but came across as attacking or critical towards them. If you put up a wall to avoid feeling hurt, this prevents your partner from understanding your feelings.

How do I tell my husband how I feel defensive?

It's likely he is not aware of his defensive behavior. If that's the case, make him understand how much it affects you, and how you feel like he's being overly guarded in a way that's not helping you guys talk effectively. Make sure you don't do this accusingly, he'll feel like you're attacking him.

How is defensiveness treated?

Why does my husband get mad when I tell him how I feel?

So the real REASON why men get so defensive, when you tell them how you feel, is because they THINK you are attacking them! In their minds, that's what's happening. Even if you're NOT. That is why they react so strongly and defensively.

How can I communicate without being defensive?

When should you quit a relationship?

How do I express my feelings to my husband without him getting defensive?

When someone is defensive Are they lying?

Simply put, if the person seems to be over-explaining their situation and is angered by your questions, they could have something to hide. On the other hand, experts are quick to point out that when someone is defensive, it isn't always a sign that they're lying.

Why does my husband get defensive when I ask him questions?

He is defensive because he is defensive. You two have to be able to discuss unpleasant subjects or your relationship won't get very far. You need to evaluate how you are approaching him with issues, and he needs to man up and be able to take criticism without going inside his shell and blaming you for making him do it.

What is gaslighting in a marriage?

The term gaslighting became popular in the 1960s. It is used to describe the manipulation of another person's perception of reality. Gaslighting is a common tool used by narcissistic and abusive spouses to control their partners. When done correctly, gaslighting can make a spouse doubt their own senses and memory.

What is emotional abandonment in marriage?

Emotional abandonment in marriage refers to feelings of neglect, being left out, and not being heard in a marriage. It is when one partner is so self-absorbed that they cannot see the troubles, tears or problems their spouse is going through.

What are gaslighting examples?